still you roam

Obsessed? I'd say passionate.

1 note

Writing it out helps.

I feel like I’m losing it again. I’m just in a constant state of discomfort and deep sadness which develops into anxious anger and rage. I’m finding it more and more difficult to be around the people who are closest to me because I feel more like a burden more than anything and that they are probably all at the point of not really giving a shit anymore because it’s the same thing all the time. I know that’s not true. I was doing really well for the last few months, things seemed to be getting better. It’s like a fucking light switch. One minute you truly believe that you are recovering and the next you are hoping that you won’t live too much longer because the idea of living a life this dull and pointless for your remaining years is unacceptable. The only time I’m happy is when I’m traveling and distracted from the mundane routine that is my life and well, that’s not sustainable now is it.

I know that this will always be a process. Feeling great and limitless and trying to remember why I felt the way I did because life is amazing and nothing could ever be so bad that I can’t get through it so long as I believe in myself.

And then there will be these times. When doing anything and everything is so damn hard. Being in physical pain for no reason other than I can’t seem to get out of my own fucking head and feeling like I have so many emotions that I want to let out but just don’t have the energy to do so. Knowing that I am my only salvation but also feeling like I don’t deserve to find a solution.

I know I’ll be ok and I’ll reach a point where things will be easier again. I’ll talk with my psychologist and practice more self compassion. I will distract myself because I have decided that is ok for now, while I continue trying to reinvent my life. It will be ok. I hope.

Filed under personal rant depression is a bitch

4,081 notes

Be kind to yourself. Stop telling yourself that whatever you are struggling with “should” be easy. If something is hard for you, it is hard for you. There are probably Reasons, though those may just be how you are wired. Acknowledge these things. When you finish something hard, be proud! Celebrate a little.

And really, just stop saying “should” to yourself about your thoughts and feelings in any context. You feel how you feel. The things in your head are the things in your head. You can’t change either directly through sheer force of will. You can only change what you do. Stop beating yourself up for who and what you are right now–it isn’t productive. Focus on moving forward.

How to keep moving forward, even when your brain hates you (via mental-wellness)

(Source: stilnes, via taikova)